


broken mirrors

by academmia



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, logan is a really good friend i luv him, roman has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27764533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: “I’m...I’m broken.” Roman says, “I’m not worth your time, go find Remus I’m sure he can help you.”“No,” Logan says firmly.“What?”“Roman, you’re not broken. You’re depressed, and that’s okay, it just means you need a little extra help right now. ,”or: Roman has depression and sometimes things get a little heavy
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 71





	broken mirrors

Roman was an artist. He loved being an artist, he loved being a writer. 

There was nothing like the feeling of staying up at 2am when all the other sides had fallen asleep and being unable to rest because if he doesn’t create he will burst. The ideas coming so fast Roman’s wrists hurt from typing. The pride of finishing a story as the sun rose, the magic of telling a story. 

He loves creation and yet it’s the hardest quest of all these days. The things he creates feel worthless, elementary. He works for an hour and instead of 1,000, his word count is 200. It doesn’t matter. He scraps it at the end of the day. 

He drinks coffee. He comes up with ideas. He can’t make his fingers work. It’s hard to tell stories, hard to communicate feelings when all he feels is fog. He’s tired. He sleeps more. Scribbles down ideas on his hands to pretend like it counts. 

This is his job, this is what Thomas needs, this is the thing that is supposed to make everything feel okay so why can’t Roman just do it. 

The blank google doc glares at him, teases him, taunts him and Roman doesn’t have the energy to step up and draw his sword. He’s fine he will be fine if he just writes,  _ damn it _ , is he good for anything. 

The lights flicker above him. Roman doesn’t have the energy to snap them back to full capacity so he just lets the room fade in and out of darkness. He wonders which one he is. Lighter or Darker or maybe he isn’t a light at all. Maybe he’s just a little boy pretending to be something he isn’t. 

He wonders when he is going to smile again. Really smile, not let this fog do it for him. 

Like always, Roman is left with no answers, no stories, no energy. 

He tries to concentrate and fill his coffee cup. A few drops appear. Fuck he can’t even….fill a goddamn cup of coffee. How is he worthy to stick around. Logan is sure to come around his room in a couple of hours and Roman will have nothing, not even empty excuses to give him. 

_ Pathetic _ . 

He gets up from his desk mechanically. He walks over into his bathroom. He walks path the bathtub with 17 jets, past the fluffy towels and artillery of soaps and shampoos to the sink. Makeup is everywhere, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, a ridiculous amount of lipstick. Roman shuts his eyes. He washes his hands. He doesn’t bother to do it with soap, the bottle feels too far away. 

He dares to look at himself in the mirror. A stranger stares right back at him. The person in the mirror has greasy hair(Roman always washes his). He has bags under his eyes(Roman prioritizes his sleep). His lips are cracked and ugly(Roman swears by strawberry chapstick) All of these things are unrecognizable, but what makes Roman flinch back is the look in eyes of the man in the mirror. He looks...he looks broken. 

That can’t be him. 

(can it?) 

Roman shakes his head. He runs a shaky hand through his tangled unwashed hair and he tries to breathe. 

He wonders when he changed.

Was it the wedding? 

Was it the trial? 

Was it when he couldn’t impress the others during Christmas or in another week in another year when did Roman start breaking? 

Maybe it was when at the beginning of all this when Thomas first put the three of them in front of a camera and Roman said

“But First I shall learn to love myself,” and then sunk out and he never. He never learned and the shame never left. He could never figure it out, how to make the confidence he put on be real so he just focused on becoming a better actor. 

Now he didn’t even have the energy to do that. 

“Roman?” A voice called. 

Logan.

He was a coward. He didn’t want to face Logan. He didn’t want to see his “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed face” 

Because Logan was brilliant and amazing and he deserved so much better than what Roman could give him. Logan deserved the stars and the moon and all the plants too because Logan was so so good. Logan got ignored and Roman said he would do better and yet. 

Roman knew he was a failure, he wasn’t stupid but hearing it from Logan, the person he constantly tried to make proud of him, well Roman just couldn’t. Not today, probably not tomorrow either. 

So when he hears Logan open his door he is not above admitting that he crawled into the cabinet below the sink. He wraps his legs around the pipe and rests his hands next to the bottles of Windex and he tries not to breathe. Hopefully, Logan will just assume that he’s being daring in the imagination instead of being a coward in this cabinet. 

He waits for the bedroom door to close. It doesn’t. Logan calls his name again, Roman silently slaps a hand over his mouth for extra caution. If he could disappear for a hot second, that would be marvelous, thank you very much. 

The bathroom door opens. Logan calls his name again. Roman burrows his knees into his chest.

The cabinet doors next to him open. Roman braces for the inevitable. 

_ 3 _

_ 2 _

“Roman?” 

“Hi,” He says, aiming for a cocky tone but it comes out more like a squeak.

“Hello,” Logan says, and his tone is missing the disgust. Why isn’t he disgusted? Roman is ugly, he isn’t clean, he’s lazy, Logan should be glaring right now. 

But no. Logan isn’t yelling. Logan is looking at him kindly with concern. 

“Roman are you alright?” He asks, and  _ oh  _ Roman doesn’t deserve the question. 

“Logan you...you deserve so much better.” 

Logan doesn’t move, “What do you mean by that,” 

Roman closes his eyes, “I don’t have anything written. I’m a failure, I can’t do anything, I’m tired, I haven’t showered in who knows long and I...can’t. I can’t be what you need right now. I can’t be what anyone needs right now, I’m hiding in a cupboard for fucks sake!” his voice cracks and a tear slips through. 

“I’m...I’m broken.” Roman says, “I’m not worth your time, go find Remus I’m sure he can help you.” 

“No,” Logan says firmly.

“What?” 

“Roman, you’re not broken. You’re depressed, and that’s okay, it just means you need a little extra help right now. ,”

He doesn’t. He isn’t depressed, he can’t be depressed that’s not him that’s Patton. Roman is supposed to be the one that’s okay, a protector, a prince, a hero. And heroes don’t get depressed. Heroes just break. 

“Isn’t that...It's the same thing?” 

“No, it is not. Millions of people have depression, and millions of people live fulling lives with it. You aren’t broken for struggling.”

Roman laughed weakly, “Yeah I guess”

“You don’t believe me,” Logan said. It was a statement, not a question. 

“Why would I?” Roman says bitterly because it seems lashing out is the only thing that can make Logan go away right now, “You’ve always held me to an impossible standard.” 

There’s a script inside him in his head. One where Logan will finally give up the nice guy act and tell Roman that yeah, he is broken and he will be going to Remus. One where Logan will storm out and leave Roman here to rot, and eventually Remus will take his spot and his lamp, and one day his name will be a thing of the past. 

Logan has always been a terrible actor. 

“I know,” He says. He sounds sad, and he isn’t supposed to sound like a deflated balloon he is supposed to be mad, “I’m sorry Roman. You deserve better than that and I will make an effort to be more reasonable,” 

Logan doesn’t apologize, Roman knows that, and yet here he is. Sitting on Roman’s bathroom floor, staying with him, telling him it’s okay, apologizing for things that aren’t even that bad. Logan cares. Roman has no clue how to feel about that. 

“Thanks,” He says, “I appreciate that,” 

Logan nods. Roman’s numbness is starting to roll into the station when he says, “Would you like to watch a Disney movie with me?”

“Aren’t you...don’t you have better things to do?” 

Logan just smiled at him as if they had all the time in the world. Roman tried to smile back but he couldn’t. 

“Taking care of you is more important,” Logan says. Roman wants to argue, but Logan is all he wants right now. 

“Ok,” Roman says.

“Can I pick you up?” Logan asks, and Roman nods. 

Logan gently pulls him up from his cabinet bridal style. He smells like vanilla and ink. 

“Wow specs,” Roman says nervously, “You’re really strong.” 

Logan smiles at him and moves to carry him out of the bathroom, “Thank you. Exercise is very important for maintaining your overall health.” 

“Yeah, yeah” Roman grumbles, “I know,” 

Logan moves him out of his room, down the hall. Roman decides he likes being held. Logan is firm and solid and real, the opposite of him. It was an odd phenomenon, being the one held. Roman was used to being the one to pull people out of towers to safety. Never in a million years did he think he would be on the receiving end. 

Logan’s arms are warm and steady, and maybe, just maybe, Roman could let someone else take care of him.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments rock my world
> 
> tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


End file.
